My First Quote!

"Life is often like a Poem; when you begin to perceive it, it ends. But the lucky thing is, every end is a new beginning!" - My First Quote Ever
"Life is too precious to be just hanging around in it, too good to be just sleeping through most of it, and too passionate to be just thinking about it...... So, I WRITE..." ~ Sana Rose

September 22, 2011

Am I Just Another Broken Glass???


A glassware breaks... you pick up the shards of glass... and glue them together... but it is a broken one and the cracks are so visible... and to hide them, you paint it with beautiful colours and place it somewhere safe and use it for something else that it was not meant to be used for...

There are moments when I wonder, isn't that what I am? Isn't this a short write on my life? Isn't the writer the glassware painted and kept elsewhere and used for something else like... discarding what's not needed...? Or things that we might need one day... Someday...? 

This is a weak moment, I confess. And more often than not, Sana Rose is the person I become when I run away from my life. When love is not very fair... When life seems so... blunt... When it's so blank even when it could be filled with so many precious things that matter... When I am not heard... 
When my heart is a hearth where my very average and sensitive dreams and hopes are burnt... God hears me and keeps me going even when I am denied the lesser things that I need most, unlike other girls of my age...

But it can make me cry, if you offered me some love that's unstained, some tenderness... I would crumble down to nothingness moistened by tears if you gave me a hug - I am so fragile... 
My heart quivers as I write this, for opening myself to the numerous eyes out here is not the coolest thing...
I grew up wanting time and words of love and care, instead of food, clothes and a house from my mother. 
The void is so great that, I constantly tried to fill it, but nothing substituted it, not for a long time. And now, I thought, someone has. But I again and again find, that void is still empty... And every time I try to fill it, it just stays that way. Everyone passes me over that void, no one looks into it. And those who try, can't see into it.
Even after all these years...


Tonight, I am in tears... And no one would understand why... Not even the one who has to... 
And it leaves me helpless... with a lump in my throat... and a tired heart, that has begun to fret what will happen if this is how it goes... In more than one way, I am a troubled girl... And I often get tired of myself... How long can I live in the world of characters... Of words...? I want words... written and said to me.... that can make me feel better, feel loved and wanted... from persons who I care and give up things for... But I just don't get it... I can find them in many places, but I can't find it where I want to, where I am supposed to find it...

Don't take this post seriously, I am in a broken state and I want to let it go somewhere. Please don't let yourself be troubled by what I write here - it comes from my soul, but it may not be a warm read for you. But you might as well know that there is a story behind every writer though there may not necessarily be a writer behind every story... 

Let me try to cheer up a bit by talking about my writing. Amidst Sandcastles is a story I am falling in love with.
What would I compare it to? Yes, a little girl's dolls and doll houses.
The characters are my dolls. I play with their emotions, vent my frustrations through theirs, and express my dreams of being loved through them. Selena gets what I want even if she doesn't want it. Noah gives her what I want, and I somehow direct it to my heart. Selena loves her daughters the way I want to be loved. And in the end, I get a story that is not mine, but feel a lot lighter and spent after a chapter. And it gets better and better. 
I have completed second drafting of eight chapters. Meanwhile, I am also working on the flashback portion.
Oh, yes, do you hear that? I have a way to live - a way to make myself feel better. Writing. 
But I am again back to square one - how long... how long can I live their life? How long can I pull their strings and maintain the show? What if all I have to say is the same thing over and over again?

It would be tiresome, right? Yeah, right, so let's see what pain has rewarded me today... Shall we?



You'll never know
How much I weep,
How many tears I keep...
You'll never know
How much I love,
How many days I have...
You'll never understand
The clouds that rain from me,
Nor why the clouds form...
Nor why I plead you 
To fill the void in my heart...
Nor why I was so afraid...
Who said memories are forever...?
What if I lose it, and can't remember you 
When you want to show me your love...?
It'd kill me, and you... 

Everyday you get a ticket to love;
in the end what counts is how many tickets you spent, not how many you got...

Goodnight everyone... xoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. Dearest Sana Rose,
    Your blog here is so beautiful. Your words; your expressions of You are so pure and real. I just love the way you write.
    What we write is an extension of Who we are, I think that is okay. I think that this is why people love to read, so they can get their minds off themselves and their own lives. By reading they experience the written woven expression of the writer's heart and soul through the words that become the reflection of who the writer truly is. Writing and reading are an intimate experience for both. You are awesome Sana Rose.

    ReplyDelete

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"I Do Not Want To Be A Doctor Who Writes, But I Want To Be A Writer Who Heals..." - Sana Rose